Society has led us to believe that you are not complete unless you find yourself a partner. The questions are either ‘have you got yourself a man yet?’ or ‘why are you still single?’ The truth is, we are encouraged to believe that in life we are destined to find our ‘other half’, and that our lives are not full unless we have found them. But where did this bizarre notion that we are only half of a soul even come from? Who was it that decided that we could not be complete all by ourselves?
There is no wonder that we subsequently associate being single with being miserable – it is a social norm and value that has been fed to us since we were young. But in many ways, there is a beauty to being single and being absolutely happy about it; and there is an admirable beauty to someone who takes it in their stride and makes the most of their life whether they are with or without someone. We need to get rid of the social stigma that makes us feel like we are less of a person simply because we haven’t found another person to share our happiness with.
If you are finding yourself battling this stigma, I encourage you to find the positives that a single life can give you, and learn to be a happier you!
Become independent in another area of your life.
Be dependent on nobody but yourself, whether this is financially, emotionally, or even if it is just cooking meals for yourself every night. When you start to depend on another person, whether this is a friend or a partner, you end up becoming so involved that you feel lost when it does come to being alone. Being independent financially, or being able to thrive in your own company, will not only make you learn to love yourself, it’ll also subconsciously raise your standards as you will not be willing to be with somebody who interferes with that independence.
Set yourself boundaries and values.
Sometimes love is blind, and it hits us without warning. But when this happens, we are so overwhelmed with our feelings that we often lose touch of our ordinary perceptions. We can become borderline infatuated with another person and completely lose our sense of self, or perhaps let things slide that we ordinarily wouldn’t. When this happens, it’s important to keep your feet on the ground, and not your head in the clouds.
Appreciate your mind and your judgment.
Furthering this, when you know yourself and respect your boundaries, you will be able to trust your mind when it gives you a vibe – good or bad. Once you do this, trust your mind and your gut enough so that when you get an instinct which isn’t quite right, you can make the right choices instead of ignoring them. If you aren’t 100% happy in a situation, then know your mind enough to step away from it if you don’t think it’ll be good for you. Not only does this save you a lot of unnecessary hassle down the line, it also gives you a stronger self-awareness, meaning you can make better decisions in other areas of your life too. (Girl Boss sorta decisions!)
Take care of yourself. Your self worth is dependent on you.
Respect yourself enough to know what you deserve. We so often get drawn in by empty promises and we have such a low perception of ourselves that we actually allow this to happen. It’s only when you have a sudden realisation that you are an amazing human being with a beautiful heart and solid intentions that you realise how much you actually deserve. Love yourself beyond limits so that you thrive on compliments you make to yourself, so that you don’t fall for a man that will only say the right things.
“If you live off a man’s compliments, you’ll die from his criticisms.”
Invest in yourself. Being intelligent and interested in current topics means that you will thrive in the world around you and feel confident in situations where you might normally otherwise sink into the shadows. You will be able to contribute to conversations with intelligent people, and in fact, with almost anyone, and at the same time build a life for yourself, all by yourself. Education is a tool that can be used to your advantage if you are passionate enough to learn about things that drive you.
This doesn’t have to be non-fiction and in an educational sense like the previous point. Let your mind escape every now and then to a world in another dimension. Let your imagination live a little, and fall in love with characters of a book. I strongly believe that I am a product of the books I have read. The person I am today is largely based on the books I have read, the characters I have loved, hated, emphasised with, and the pages that have become so crinkled with multiple use (i.e. my prize possession Harry Potter collection – sorry not sorry!) It almost teaches you how to perceive life in a slightly different perspective, and empathise with other people on a new level.
Find a hobby that pushes you.
I have always had the belief that you should find 3 hobbies – one that makes you money, one that keeps you healthy, and one that encourages your creativity. Learn to have hobbies and passions that excite you. Learn to have more to say about yourself than “I like to cook, this is my job title” etc. Not only does it bring a considerable amount more to the table when it does come to dating, it expands your self-worth without even realising it. You have ways to be confident with spending time by yourself, and if you can fuel your creative side and maybe even make a bit of extra cash in the process, then you’re on to a winner!
Spend time alone.
This follows from the previous point. When you spend time alone, you begin to learn all of your vulnerabilities. You learn not to rely on others around you and thrive by yourself and to know yourself inside and out – strengths and weaknesses included. At the end of the day, the only person you can truly count on is yourself, but if you can’t stand your own company, then you’re battling with yourself, too. It also means that when you do meet someone, you don’t rely on them for your happiness, as instead you can be happy all by yourself without needing another person by your side. It’s okay to want someone and enjoy spending time with them, but it is not okay to need them in order to function and/or be happy.
A key way to learn to live your own company is to date yourself. Yes it sounds silly and yes it sounds a bit sad (okay maybe it is a bit sad) – but if you don’t treat yourself and expect a man to treat you instead, then I hate to break it to you, but you may be waiting a while. If you want a Chinese takeaway, then you go buy yourself a Chinese takeaway. If you want that ring from pandora, don’t wait for a non-existent man to get the non-existent message, girl go and treat yourself. Be you, and be you without shame.
Have a kick-ass support network.
Although it’s great to spend time alone, it can be greater to spend time with those around you. Whether this is family, friends, work colleagues, or whatever other acquaintances you may have in your life, it’s amazing to have people to help you feel a little less alone. There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely, so if you ever find yourself feeling the latter, then don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and connect with those around you.
It is so important to spend time with people who support your decisions and genuinely want the best for you. For so long I have allowed myself to be surrounded by people who are so negative and drain every ounce of positivity that I have worked so hard to build up. It is so damaging to your self-worth and self-perception when you allow this to happen without giving it so much as a second thought.
If your circle don’t clap for you when you succeed, then girl you need to find a new circle. Friends, boyfriends, whatever – you need to be surrounded by people who actually care for you and want you to grow. If the person you truly care about isn’t there for you 110% when you need them, then trust me, you’re better off alone.
Are you struggling with you self-worth? Maybe you need a little confidence boost and a helping hand to climb your way back to the top of your life ladder. If so, please feel free to comment or email me and I’d be more than happy to help!